Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money
or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon - and me included - is why
pubs and drugs were kindly invented - to calm us all down,
to stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history!
Cheaper drugs now!
Hey, hey, hey!
Scatter!
Party!
(Monica) A very important business person once said,
if you do nothing in life,
well, then you become nothing.
You have to get out there and make it happen.
Come to think of it, it was someone off The Apprentice.
They got fired in the first week, but...
you get the point, don't you?
It's up to you to get what you want.
If all you want in life is to be needed,
then you have to make yourself needed.
Look out for people - help them when they're struggling.
Always try to do the right thing.
Or, the best way to get people
to want, need and love you is to just stop short.
From Marilyn Monroe to Kurt Cobain, just...stop...short.
Always...always leave them wanting more.
- Debbie! Stella. - No way!
My washer's broke!
Again?!
- Liam! - On me way.
Maxine, Carl - towels!
It's like being on Ward 3C all over again.
- Maternity? - Geriatrics.
Norma!
Fucking noise in this place!
Oh! Quick, let us through!
Can't you shit in a carrier bag in the yard, you fucking tinker?
I'm not here for the bog.
Washer's broke. Sorry we disturbed you.
Where are you going?
Jockey.
No, but I made you breakfast!
That's what we're gonna be talking about today - storage and shelving.
So let's get down to it.
We're gonna start off with panel boards.
These pine panel boards, put these together,
will come in at round about £7.50...
- Shit off! - Watch it, lad.
What've you dug that out for?
Me and Kell are making us own porn, aren't we?
Who'd wanna watch you two at it?
We'll make a fortune!
A picture is worth a thousand words.
Make more than your shit toss stories, anyway.
Argh! I'll fucking kill ya!
Pack it in, you two. Stop arsing about!
Paddy.
Hiya! Sorry to...
What the fuck you doin', marching in here?
Well, it was on the latch.
Sorry, I didn't mean to be any bother.
I just wanted to drop this in.
Well, it is today, isn't it?
Yeah, it is.
Thought so. Here you are.
"Past is history, future's a mystery, present's a gift."
That's what it should've said. I'm not very good at icing.
Thanks. It's dead nice of you, that.
And, don't worry, I made it with raspberry jam,
cos I know Paddy doesn't like strawberry.
Is he around?
- Any minute now. - Right.
Well...
I'd best leave you to it.
Shall I chuck it?
Don't be so ungrateful!
Take it over there.
And if you drop it, I'll fucking drop you.
Dad'll be back, I know it.
Course he will - it's our anniversary.
He'd walk across broken glass and swim seven seas
and fucking sprout fucking wings if needs be.
He'll be here.
Come on, will ya! I've got a throat like a nun's chuff here.
Whatever happened to the 24-hour drinking culture?!
Broken fucking dreams!
CHEERING
Thank fuck for that! Come on, Luther, let us get past.
- Sorry, Frank. - What?
Invited guests only.
Private fucking function? It's pissing down here!
Oh, now it all adds up, dunnit? Yeah, fucking Maguire conspiracy!
We're not gonna take it! This is our pub. We want it back!
Come on, are you with me? Come on, are you with me?
Yeah, fuck off, will you, spaceman.
I couldn't get his lighter.
Oh, never mind. You got his fags!
Ta-da! I heard the Jockey was gonna be closed.
You heard right.
I thought...we could share 'em.
You know what thought did, don't you?
Fucking hell!
Freemasons, golfers, magicians - fucking Magic Circle cunts!
Think they can just put up a little sign
saying "private" and that's it.
They've got carte fucking blanche to spend all night fisting each other!
Private fucking function!
Wedding anniversary, innit?
Yeah, Mandy's put us on the guest list.
Guest list?
'..take you, Francis Vernon Gallagher...
'to be my lawful, wedded husband.'
PANICKED GASPING
It's a free bar.
HE MOUTHS SILENTLY
- Where you off out? - What's it got to do with you?
Shopping. You want owt?
Fags.
You can't get what I need.
You want something, you.
Whatever it is, you're not getting it.
Out! Salga!
Come on, get the fuck out now!
Argh!
You fucking madman!
What the fuck...
Get the fuck away from the car! Do you want your bag? Su bolsa?
Desea su bolsa?
How long have you been in there?
Are you listening to me?
Are you fucking listening to me? Eh?
Who the fuck are ya?
Cap!
Oh! Oh, yeah!
Oh! Ooh!
FUCK!
Oh!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Hang on a sec.
Oh...
Ah... Oh!
Ah! Ooh! Ooh!
SCREAMS LIKE A NATIVE AMERICAN INDIAN
Ah! Ah! Ah!
AH! AH! AH!
I could've been done for smuggling or trafficking, whatever it is.
You hid...a kid.
INAUDlBLE
MOUTHS
You hid a fucking deaf kid in the car!
What am I supposed to do with him?
Peg? Peg!
Leave me alone.
Read my lips and...
Look, Danny...
Your Auntie Peg asked me to take you to your granddad's house.
Fuck this. I just meant to bring the car back.
I didn't sign up for this.
Do you think you can buy me?
Come on.
Oi. Oi! Oi, Danny!
Oi, what you doing?
That's the last one.
- No. - But...
I do have another little something for you.
Oh, yeah?
Whatever it is you want, you're not getting it.
PANTS FURIOUSLY
You're not getting it!
You're still not having it.
That's it.
GROANING
# We're the very best at being bad
# We're the very best at being bad... #
You all right there, darlin'?
No!
No.
Must be all right - you gave it to me.
PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
Sssh, sssh, sssh! Shush now.
Please, stop.
I can't.
I can't, not any more.
I just...
Please!
Stop.
It's OK. It's OK.
I think it's time.
Time to stop.
# Ooh-hoo
# Nobody knows it
# When I was down
# I was your clown
# Right from the start
# I gave you my heart
# Oh-oh, I gave you my heart... #
Where the fuck is Dad?
Still in Spain is my bet. He'll be having a great time.
Well, he needs to be here.
If only for her sake.
- Thank you! Cheers. - Thank you.
Thank you very much. Our next number is one of my favourite songs...
- Don't Go Breakin' My Heart! - Not again.
Again!
CHEERING
Guest list only.
It's all right, he's with me. I didn't mean...
Just a bottle, please, Karen.
# Don't go breaking my heart
# I couldn't if I tried... #
My very own John Holmes!
Shane?
- That's the end! - The wardrobe.
Little bastard!
I'll kill him.
Die!
PANTING AND MOANING FROM UPSTAIRS
I want a word wi' you!
ALARM BLARES
Suspected shoplifter moving down escalator. Over.
(Man) Could you give us a description? Over.
Suspect is heavily pregnant teenager.
Black skirt, grey top, black jacket.
'Scuse me, love. 'Scuse me!
Help! My baby! Someone's taken my baby!
- It's all right! - I turned round and she was gone!
- What's she look like? - Um... A baby!
- Pram? - Yeah.
What colour? Quickly!
Black. Er...bluey,
greeny, reddy?
Libby, where are you?
OK, come on. Come on. Come on.
MOANING AND PANTING
I'm sorry.
I just wanted to know what everyone's doing,
you know, when they go to their bedrooms and...
MOANING AND PANTING FROM UPSTAIRS
Right, well, I'll best be getting back to the Jockey, then.
I'll catch you up.
As soon as we've had a little chat about the birds and the bees.
MOANING AND PANTING
Let me have it. Hey, Frank? You gonna let me have it?
- What is it? What do you want? - Do you want me, Frank?
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Say it.
I fucking want you, Monica Gallagher! Yeeaaahh!
Oh, don't stop. Don't stop, Mon! What you stopped for? Whoa!
Whoa! What the fuck? Monica!
If you have all your sweets at once, you'll be sick.
You what?
Always leave 'em wanting more!
- It must be on the other camera. - This is the other camera.
- We'll have to call the police. - No!
Thank you.
Hiya.
I'm from next door...
We've got a party to get to!
GIGGLING
What you doing?
Letting the sunshine in!
-You're mental. - I'm not mental!
He's a kid. You're trying to seduce a poor little kid.
I wasn't trying to...
Hey, Mrs Mental, curtsy before your queen,
Queen Mental of the... fucking mentalists!
Oh, that's it, run away.
I am not running away.
I've got a party to go to at the Jockey.
Why didn't you say so?
Have you got hollow legs or something?
Cheeky twat.
I what?
I talk? Speak?
I speak sign. Do I speak sign?
Why? Because I understand that?
Come on, I got big plans.
I made big plans tonight.
Yeah, great, I win again. That's another 500 quid you owe me.
You nutter.
MUSIC: Insomnia by Faithless
You all right?
TURNS VOLUME UP
You've been dreaming. D'ya fall off a wall?
And she says to the guy, "I'm here about the clit-licking frog."
And the guy turns around and goes, "Bonjour, madame!"
LAUGHTER
Hey, can you sing Over The Hills And Far Away?
I usually only like that opera singer with cancer
but this has grown on me.
It's Paddy's favourite song.
# Cos nobody showed us... #
TOILET FLUSHES
There you are.
- Y'all right? - Yeah. You?
Yeah.
- D'ya think Dad's all right? - Yeah, he's all right.
How do you know?
I'd have heard if he'd been kidnapped, tortured,
beaten or murdered. I would hear these things.
- So what is it, then? - Another woman?
- Happens all the time. - Not to these two, it don't.
They're solid as a rock.
You don't...
- He worships you. - Could be another woman.
Probably not, though, eh?
There you go.
Car and grandson delivered safe and sound.
Thank you.
Thank you?
No problem, mate. You take care of yourself, yeah?
Danny! Oi!
Oi!
Danny, how do you say goodbye?
Are you Mormons?
- No. - You look like Mormons.
Are you sure you're not Mormons?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure, yeah.
We don't want Mormons round here.
Maybe her at number 28 will let you in
but stay away from mine, number 16.
And don't bother number 14 either.
They've got a backward kiddy living with them.
And there's no point in him knocking on there -
the old fella that lived there died last week.
- Your tea. - Thanks.
- All right, Mon? - Going for a bath?
Aye. Running late an 'all, with the washer.
Off anywhere nice?
Just the Maguire do at the Jockey, you know? Are you not going?
Haven't been invited.
Just turn up. You'll be all reet.
I'm sure nobody'll notice you anyway.
What was that for?
Old times.
Well, you'd best go and get ready.
See ya!
CHEERING
Thank you very much. Right then, we've now reached
a very special point in the celebrations.
Oh, yes. Let's get the happy couple up here.
Come on, let's hear it for Mimi and Patrick!
Here she is! Come on.
Here she is, darling.
She's a little cracker!
Brace yourself, Mimi. We've got a little surprise for you.
CHURCH BELLS RING ON VIDEO
So where's the lucky fella, then? Where is he?
Don't be shy, Patrick!
Where are you, Patrick?
SOBS
That's not the angle WE filmed it from.
Who else would have filmed us?!
Ah.
He wouldn't have done it on his own.
Who else would have helped him?
Proper dirty.
I was only having a laugh! I was gonna give you a cut and everything.
Shane, please!
I'm getting a headache.
What time is it?
Shall we?
There's no point staying here.
Where is everybody?
We could take it all.
Yeah, if we could walk through locked doors.
Every single thing. We could fill your house with it!
DOOR OPENS
Quick, someone's coming!
Off out?
Just getting some bread.
OK.
See you later, kid.
# Home is where the heart is
# I'm so glad you found your way
# And should you find yourself in disarray
# I've got a place in my heart where you can stay
# I made a space in my heart where you may want to lay #
Hello?
Ian!
- Yeah! You all right? - I knew you'd come back.
I'm only here for a couple of days.
- This is Danny. - All right.
He's deaf.
I've got an Xbox.
There's a deaf girl in our school.
Wanna kill some zombies?
Where is everyone?
The Jockey.
Course.
Except Debbie - she's gone shopping with Max.
Who?
And Mum - she's nipped out for some bread.
Bread?
KNOCKING
Hang on!
- Ian? What are you doing here? - I heard you banging.
In Ibiza?
Monica's gone.
Gone?
Get everyone from the pub. Tell 'em Monica's gone for bread.
Go on, quick!
Mimi...
Monica...
She wouldn't just go like that, not again.
Wonder if it's a bird or a fella this time.
CRIES
Past is history, future's a mystery.
She's not fit to be called a mother.
Well, we all knew she'd fuck off again.
Ssh!
He needs to be told!
What, like Deaf Boy needs to be told his granddad's dead?
BABY CRIES
What am I supposed to do, just tell him?
"Good luck, Danny. Fuck off."
It's what you did to us.
Piss off! That's completely different.
It's good that you're back, kid, you know, for...Stella and that.
I'm not staying, and I'm not gonna be stuck here looking after kids.
- But I should? - They're your kids!
What was that for?!
He said Mum's gone.
- And you told him...? - His granddad's dead.
Danny!
Danny! It's all right. It's all right.
Come here.
Wouldn't it be great if all the clothes in here were ours?
It'd be like the best thing in the world ever.
Yeah, but when and where would we wear any of it?
Down the Jockey or outside the chip shop?
Mmm.
It's just all so...
- Not us? - Yeah, it's not us.
Well, someone must like this stuff.
Someone does.
I don't want to see you here again, all right?
Don't worry, you won't.
Has anyone ever told you
- you look like one of the Sugababes? - No.
Well, you do.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
If you went a little bit higher with your blusher,
you'd get more definition.
Max!
LAUGHTER
Did you know?
'Kin' hell!
- Did ya? - What?
Paddy and Monica. Did you know?
- Paddy and Monica? - They're together, aren't they?
Paddy...and Monica?
Paddy and Monica?
Paddy and Monica?!
I'm not coming in. I can't.
I fly back out tomorrow and... I don't want to do this, sorry.
I've got to get off, be myself - no responsibility, you know?
Yeah, you did that. You might well look sheepish, you twat.
What?
I'll call your auntie and tell her what happened.
You take care of yourself, all right?
Yeah, and you!
Yeah, whatever.
Whatever.
She's always been a bit...
loose.
I think she had a thing with the midwife when Carl was born.
Paddy.
Paddy had a "thing" once...
-..before we were married. - But you were together?
Yeah.
I don't think he even kissed this other girl or anything...
but he...
he thought about it.
He swore to me he wasn't interested in her, but I smelt it on him.
Then I said to him, "You ever think about it again,
"think about another woman,
"then I just want you to go with her. Don't ever come back, just go."
He's not with Monica.
How d'you know?
I bet she'd want to be with him, but Paddy wouldn't want to be with her.
You're a woman.
Monica's a child.
ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Oh aye, where the hell have yous two been, eh?
Er...shopping.
Did we miss anything?
No.
(Screaming) NO-O-O-O!
BABY CRIES
I'm that hungry I could eat me face.
Chips!
Leave it, Carl!
- It's mine, Norma! - It's the last slice.
There's never any bread!
Airport, yeah?
LOUD MUSIC ON RADIO
Can you turn it down, mate?
'Scuse me!
Danny?
Not that you can hear me...
What am I supposed to do?
Fuck!
FUCK!
What the fuck are you doing, you mental bastard?!
You completely shit me up.
I thought you were fucking dead, you dickhead.
Yeah, you're a dickhead.
I can guess what that means. What are you doing?
A bath?
What, lying under water?
Safe? You feel safe?
Get dressed. I'll get you something to eat.
You're welcome.
You're welcome?
It's not for ever, d'you understand?
I spoke to your Aunty Peg,
and as soon as she can get someone to take over from me, I'm off, OK?
I don't want to be stuck with you for the rest of my life.
You don't want to be stuck with me?
You're such a twat.
Liam!
On me way.
BABY CRIES
Y'all right there?
- All right, kid? - Yeah, I am now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, give us a break. I've had a right night of it.
Yeah, and morning! Where've you been?
Erasure?
CHEERING
Nowhere.
She's had her breakfast and lunch. Just needs her nappy doing.
Aw, I'm shattered, can someone else do it?
What are you skriking at?
(Monica) We all want to be remembered after we've gone, don't we?'
Good night.
And if you haven't got anyone who'll put a plaque on a bench for you,
then you've got to work harder.
You've got to learn to do the right thing.
Care for people, help them.
Cos if you don't...
Then maybe no-one will remember you.
Ah, you filthy fuck, you.
Go on, get the fuck out. I'll kick your arse, you filthy git.
COUGHING Go on, get the fuck out!
CAR HORNS TOOT
CHILDREN SING
# We could've been anything that we wanted to be
# But don't it make your heart glad... #
SCREAMS
# We're the very best at being bad... #
Maybe no-one will care if you lived or died.
SEAGULLS CRY
Do your bit,
make yourself worth something and then get out quick
before they take the piss.
And always, always...
leave 'em wanting more.
PANTING
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh!
Ohh!